Today is proving to be managable. My emotions are like a roller-coaster. I feel sad at moments and then I feel at peace. I am reflecting on my life as a daughter in relations to my daddy. My dad was a man who believed in indulging in the pleasures of life whether is hurt others or not. He didn't really think his actions affected others as they truly did. He was a man who loved women with a passion, his motto must have been the more the merrier. My dad always was very positive in his views of others. He never really critizied how others lived their lives, I think that was because he didn't want any critisisim in any form, even is it was his betterment. There is a song that the Temptations made, I think is was Papa Was A Rolling Stone, wherever he laid his hat was his home. That pretty well fits my daddy. I loved him and will continue to love him for what he was to me and for me.
Daddy always made me feel that anthing I wanted to do was possible and that I should go for it, no matter what. I remember 4th grade, I was picked to play in the school band. I was assigned to learn the clarinet. The first week after being in the school band my daddy came home with a clarinet and stand so I could practice. He said play something for me baby. I did play, but it was really more noise than music but my daddy made my whole family, sibblings and mom sit and listen and he clapped as I played and clapped after my performance as if he was at a Broadway show. That's my daddy that I loved so much.
On Saturday, April 7, 2007 my daddy was rushed to the hospital in New York City in the early morning hours where he was pronounced brain dead. The daddy I knew and loved is at peace, in no pain and being missed and mourned.
I am trying not to medicate my feelings with food, my old standby. I is not easy to sit with these feelings and allow the pain. I do know that I will be OK at the end of the day. I know daddy will always be a part of my and my life.
